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I’m willing to bet almost anything you’ve heard this one before:

“Just be yourself and girls will like you for who you are.”

Great advice… On the surface… But I’m sorry fella, it just ain’t gonna cut it. Let’s find out why in a little more detail so you’re no longer confused on this one like most people are (I know I was for a long time!)

First, if you’re nervous or anxious around women, the LAST thing you’re going to be able to DO is “be yourself”! Even if you’re the most amazing person on the planet otherwise, she’s never going to know that if you turn into a stammering nervous reck around her.

But more importantly, what “self” are you being? Do you know yourself well enough to be able to tell the difference when you are and aren’t being yourself? The sad truth is most people don’t. When it comes down to your sense of identity, it’s the trickiest thing in the world to pin down, and for good reason. Identity is a fluid thing, it’s changing all the time, whether we admit to it or not.

The thing is, most people confuse their SELF with their limited definitions of their SELF-IMAGE. We are all much more than we BELIEVE we are, that’s why we GROW. If you have a self-image that let’s you confidently and calmly interact with women and know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, AWESOME! But if you have a self-image that PREVENTS you from doing that, it’s time to question if it’s really you (Hint: it’s not, it’s just your imagination!)

I’m not saying you need to create a fake persona to get girls, as some pickup artists do, I’m saying your need to EXPAND your definitions of who you are. We all have the inherent ability to ACT in ways that ATTRACT women. The only person preventing us from acting in those ways is us, or more accurately, the limited ideas we have of ourselves.

Being fake is for suckers and most women pick up on it instantly because it’s incongruent. They can feel something is a little “off”. What you should be looking at is changing your BEHAVIOUR PATTERNS. Because, fortunately or unfortunately for all men:

Women respond emotionally to how you ACT.
(Cool, I just noticed this: ACT is central to attrACTion.)

If you don’t understand this, you’re going to create resentment towards women for not appreciating you for who you are. Yes, they will take you for granted or dismiss you because your ACTIONS aren’t “doing it for them” on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL. So don’t try to fight it my friend, accept it for how it is and learn to work with it.

If you act like a needy drooling desperate chump (aka WUSS), she’s not going to respect you OR feel attraction, quite the opposite in fact. But if you act like an independent, together, confident, fun-loving MAN, you’re going to easily create respect AND attraction. Are you still one of those guys who think “if only she spent some time with me she’d like me”? Dude, she’s not going to WANT to spent that time with you in the first place if you can’t SHOW her from the start that you’re someone she WANTS to spend time with. Making sense yet?

So how do you get from one type of man to the other? (or in other words fix any behaviour patterns that aren’t working for you.) PRACTICE. There is going to be a bit of “fake it til you make it”, but you don’t even have to look at it like that. You’ve simply got to TRY NEW THINGS. Learn new stuff and experiment. Not everything that you hear about is going to work for you, but there is definitely stuff that will. USE whatever jibes with you.

Learn some new routines and new behaviours and take the time to adapt them to your current personality. Them give them a go, even as a joke at first. Sure, you’re going to feel like a tool sometimes when you say the wrong thing then realize it, but learn to laugh about it and chances are she won’t take it seriously either. Just remember, you’re going to feel like even MORE of a tool when she rejects you in some way because you’ve repeated old behaviour that you already know doesn’t work. So try some new stuff that might.

And next time someone tells you to “just be yourself”, turn around and tell them “No way! I’m putting my energy into being MORE of myself – and lovin it!”. A much better option don’t you think?

• Make sure you take the opportunity to check out our Dating Advice Guides for Men, for Women, and for Sex and Relationships.